POOP!

Memorize these definitions, and shitting at work or in public will become a pure pleasure.

ASTAIRE (The Fred Astaire Approach) - A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the crapper can crap in peace.

BACKFLUSH - The uncomfortable situation in which the toilet bowl has become so full that it is now overloaded with shit and thus begins to spill over when flushed. If this occurs, all bets are off … get the hell out while you still can. Emergency personnel will need to be called in.

CAMO-COUGH - A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

COURTESY FLUSH - The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the crap log hits the water and the crap is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of airtime the shit has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

CRACK WHORE - A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Telltale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORE at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget with a good cleaning, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.

ESCAPEE - A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing shit in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic and embarrassment, similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee; it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

FLY BY - The act of scouting out a bathroom before shitting. Walk in and check for other crappers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

GHOST DUMP - An abnormal phenomenon in that all the necessary phases of dumping have been completed, but upon your assent off the seat nothing appears in the bowl. This usually occurs around HALLOWEEN.

HAVANA OMELET - A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

HOVER DUMP - When you come across a CRACKWHORE and need to take an emergency dump. The shitter positions himself about a foot above the bowl in a bent knee position in order not to make contact with the toilet seat. Splashing may occur so be prepared to evacuate immediately. If this does not work, you may have to resort to the MUMMY DUMP.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE) - When forcing shit, several farts slip out at a machine-gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic: remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

MUMMY DUMP - If HOVER DUMP is impractical or you find yourself incapable of pulling it off, a MUMMY DUMP may be used in its place. This process involves the complete wrapping of the toilet seat in 1 to 2 inches of toilet paper. If time does not permit or toilet paper is in low supply, it may be necessary to resort back to the HOVER DUMP.

OUT-OF-THE-CLOSET SHITTER - A colleague who shits at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET SHITTER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET SHITTER before entering the bathroom.

CRAPPING FRIENDS NETWORK (CFN) - A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency crapping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET SHITTERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN - A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a crapper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR - A crapper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

UNCLE TED - A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

WALK OF SHAME - Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.

WATERMELON - A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

TUMMY-TUCK - Being forced to leave stall before taking care of business because of a STOOLBLOCKER.

STOOLBLOCKER - An oblivious and shameless colleague who does not hesitate to enter the stall adjacent to yours and unleash holy hell without concern for your presence, safety or subsequent impression.

2 more days

So in 47 an 1/2 hours the Kimchi will hash and Net will be haring (Fag). I will be driving down for it as usual. I think Net is right and I might as well move down there. If I had the money I think I would rent an apartment or buy a house there for the weekends and holidays. Then it could also be there for all the out-of-towners when they come in. Yeah that is a pipe dream since I don't have any money. Driving down and crashing will just have to do. I have yet to meet a completely uncomfortable couch yet. Z's are actually really comfortable for all those that are interested. Yes this is a sucky blog today but I am tired of looking at this report I am writing. Actually tired of making picture collages for it. Sounds funny really. So C-4 and I have been discussing crashing in the car when really hammered and the laws about that as well as hot-wiring cars. Any thoughts out there? So I need your help. I know for a fact Brownie drinks Box-O wine but anyone else who does. Save me/give me the wine bladder from the box when you are finished with them. A couple hashers from the Trash and I are going to concoct the S.S. Box-O from them for a Trash Floats. So I need some bladders for this. We will also be using some of the boxes to if you want to give me a signed one like a Kimchi one to mount on the SS Box-O.

Year in Review 2007

1. What did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before?
I went on a true vacation

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't make any so I always keep them

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My sister

4. Did anyone close to you die?
not this year

5. What countries did you visit?
Mexico!!!

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
New Digital Camera & an ipod & a house but I know that is down the road

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
too many good dates on my mind but IAH2007 wa sone of the really good ones

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
making it through another year

9. What was your biggest failure?
not meeting some of my personal goals

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
regular colds and such but nothing major

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Plane tickets for hash events

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
All my friends who have gone overseas to defend others

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
D R A M A need we say more

14. Where did most of your money go?
Hash events and those pesky school loans

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Seeing friends and Puerto Vaharta

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
Crazy

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? happier
b) thinner or fatter? about the same
c) richer or poorer? always seem poor even though I am making more
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Reading, Exercising, Running

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
procrastinating

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Nothing and I loved it

21. Did you fall in love in 2007?
No

22. How many one-night stands?
2 sort of

23. What was your favorite TV program?
CSI

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Not really

25. What was the best book you read?
don't really have a best book

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
????

27. What did you want and get?
I got see see a lot of friends and make new ones

28. What did you want and not get?
To go to more hash events and go visit my sister in Switzerland...that and the raise I wanted

29. What was your favorite film of 2007?
I don't know

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
32 and I went to see the Braves play the Rockies. That and lot's of beer and 7-9 wonderful shots of tequila

31.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
??? I never know

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
jeans and t-shirts or mechanic shirts

33. What kept you sane?
Hashing & all my friends

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
whatever...don't really care

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
there were some but not enough to mention

36. Who did you miss?
believe it or not...some of my family particularly my Brother and his wife and my sisters and cousins

37. Who was the best new person you met?
too many to list but some would definitely have to be the Colorado Kimchi

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.
Some people just don't understand and get too bent out of shape over nothing

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Maybe your crazy....maybe your crazy....maybe your crazy....just like me....

Travel Hashing Rocks!

So I love hashing and more so travel hashing. There is nothing better than driving or flying to various places and meeting new hashers or seeing the ones you know already. So I have been planning on going out east for a couple hashes this summer. I think I have enough vacation time so that is okay...money however is always tight. I looked back and figure I spent $2500 on plane tickets for hashes last year. Not like this will deter me any. So the fun part is at the beginning of the hash year I get to sit and decide which hashes am I going to? Now some obviously are a given (Trash Prom, Tex-Mex (Fuck Yeah!), and BFE (If it gets rescheduled)). The rest I rotate now since I moved out west and most are in the east. So I can tell you a lot of the good events and wish I could tell you about more. This year I decided to go to NC/SC in May and T.I.T.S. over July 4th weekend. TITS stands for Tubing in the Shenandoas. Now I like flying out for hashes but the most fun is the driving road trip hashes when you get a car full of drunk partying hashers and a drive which takes atleast 3-4 hours. So, I am flying to North Carolina so I can road trip up to TITS which is maybe an hour west of D.C. Yeah and I know this Blog sucks but I am bored and ready to go home. Now time to go and catch up with the times and get an ipod.

BFE

Okay I pose the question as to why is BFE being held in May and not June? I had a blast at BFE last year and apparently offered up much humor as well. Unfortunately I will miss it this year. And yes this blog still sucks but that is alright because Lincoln is gay.

Snowdown Pics

For those that care it was a good time and here are just a few pics to show that it was. I love my little ladies...they were definitely sexily dressed. Here is the link

http://www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=og0ng2u.4q5deu6i&x=1&y=-wv5a92

Yep it is that day again

Happy Valentines Day. Okay that is over...now let's get drunk saturday.

Uggghhhh

Can I just say how much I hate Farmington, NM? Only thing worse is most of the other places I go to for work. That and flying Great Lakes Airlines. Okay I am done...4 shots of good dominican rum and fish tacos and I am tired and it is 4pm. Time to wrap up and go home.

Back in Denver Finally

So I know let's start with the obvious...This Blog Sucks. I don't get on here much since I don't have internet at home...I know I can do it from work but hey what can I say....I suck. So there has been so much demand and I finally got over to the coffee shop to upload the youtube videos. Took forever....to upload them too. So they are up there. However I need to pick some better keywords I think but try and find them...key words are Tex-Mex Carrier Landing. I will alter as soon as I can though and try and get something unique. Otherwise try Gaylord's name or Net's Folly or Brownie's Folly or Gaylord's big mistake. They might be under that. Hopefully they are up now though. I will check when I can though. I can't do it from work.

So now for the last weekend. It was a lot of fun. Headed down to Manitou Thursday night to hang out with the Kimchi. After a few bars I can honestly say Brownie should never leave jello-shots unattended in his fridge. We did leave money though. Check out @ss Gagger's photots to explain. So Friday get down there with 10 minutes to spare for the bus to the parade. Now driving down with two other guys was fun and an adventure but the 2 cases of beer did not help. I did however introduce them to the Brass Monkey which can easily be drank while driving...don't worry I did not partake too much. So needless to say when I got to Durango it was catch-up time and it is one of my favorite games to play. May I say the girls Tits on the Rits was extremely hot in her barwench outfit and Nappy as well in her outfit which I believe was a maiden's outfit. Tits looked like she was going to pop and they both received an ample amount of attention...from other people as well. I love hot chocolate when it has peppermint schnapps. So after the parade was the VFW Post and believe it or not they had karaokie that night so of course some of us partook heavily in it. The alcohol helps a lot with that. At 4:30 am those remaining decided to sleep...something about standing in the snow storm drinking beer was when it happened.

Saturday got up 10 minutes before circle to head out on the Turdrunken trail. It was a good time. Sandboney and I lost TT a third of the way into trail. We did some extra bar stops then ended at the VFW again. After a few rounds of tippy cup sandboney and I lost each other. I went with some of the Denver hashers and saw two girls showing all in a high five contest. After much time I figured I should go find Sandboney and TT so of course we barely missed each other. (Sandboney found TT waiting in the room). I decided on my way that I would try to have a drink in every bar on the way back to the VFW. I found myself passed out in my hotel room around 3am with no recollection of the bars or the walk. Of course Sandboney lost TT again but we all found our way home at one hour or another.

Sunday we got going a little late and were all of 5 miles from Wolf Creek Pass when it closed. So back to Durango we went where we decided to go where else but the VFW to watch one great Superbowl and have much to drink. A non-hasher put us up for the night nad cooked us breakfast monday morning too. She walked in the snow to the store at 6 am or so to get the fixings for the breakfast. I have her number and plan on staying there again. And no we did not sleep with her...she has a boyfriend who was also there. Did I mention we lost Sandboney that night. He got a nice police car ride to a hotel with the bartender. And no he was not arrested...they offered.

Monday morning rolls around and after a good breakfast we go and get our car and the bartenders car out of the snow. Wolf Creek? closed, 64 around Chama and that pass? closed, 25 just above Albequerque? closed. 70? open. So off we drove West into Utah and up to 70 and back to Denver. so 1 day and 9 hours later I got back to Denver and only missed one day of work. I did phone ahead on Sunday night to tell them...and yes I did this prior to getting drunk.

So cheers to good times and snow storms. The Snowdown pics should be up early next week. They are shutting down the internet here at work in about an hour....and it will be down all weekend.